If I’m honest pre cancer I was a bit of a “glass half empty” girl. Outwardly I was cheeky and confident but privately I was on anti-depressants and kind of envisioned the worst case scenario in most cases. Long story for another time as to why but anyhoo.
My point is today I got the “all clear” from my latest PET scan. It’s still not back; I’m still clear. Yes, I know, isn’t that brilliant…BUT … as I walked back from the Royal Free clutching some early Spring daffodils I realised how very tired I was. The build up to today was immense. OK not to trivialise but its a bit like playing Buckaroo. You carefully put the pieces on the horse and …. phew! Except the pieces are put on during the PET scan and you find out two weeks later. That’s fourteen 4am can’t sleep biting your lip and planning stuff you don’t want to plan sessions of “what if it goes KERPLUEY?”. After all, how long did I go having this cancer in my body not knowing? It was only this time last year when it finally got so bad it tried to spread to other parts.
However, I’ve learnt that that’s ok. I’m not a bad person. I didn’t get anal cancer because I’m a bad person; whatever happens in my life isn’t because I’m a bad person (honest, one bank job and suddenly … I’m kidding) and I can worry about this and it’s ok to do so. So does that make me a pessimist? Will it help in three months the next time I play cancer Buckaroo? Yeah, it might.
Thank you Team Dolly – have you done something different with your hair? You look especially gorgeous xx