So I had the MRI to see if all this fun has worked yesterday.  As I had time to myself under there I came up with some Do’s and Don’t’s for the process which I share with you now.

DO take any rings off before you go under the big magnet. 

DON’T worry too much if you can’t get rings off but if you can’t

DO tell receptionist that your hand got stuck to side of machine with a straight face.  They have a boring job and oh how they’ll laugh when you say “kidding” and wink.  If they don’t well hey you’re very near an A&E Department.

You are given a panic button to press if needed.

DON’T press it and ask to see the wine list.  The technicians don’t like it … apparently *tut*

DON’T think too much about the fact it’s called a “panic” button and you’re in a claustrophobia inducing tube.

Once it gets going it’s LOUD. DON’T try and decipher words from what you are hearing.  Otherwise you are in the jaws of a now, in your mind, sentient machine which is talking to you and it all gets a bit David Cronenberg in there and you’re reminded of the PANIC button.

DO take your mind off things by humming a little song. 

DON’T make it “Push the Button” by the Sugarbabes.

The technicians can communicate with you when you’re in there.  DO remember this otherwise when you hear “five more minutes, you’re doing fine” you say “Thank you for letting me know God” in a small humble voice.

Speaking of the technicians, they are simply not allowed to tell you what they saw despite your asking nicely, ok threatening them with a chinese burn, so DON’T even ask.  Remember dignity at all times.

Dignity also includes

DO remember to clutch back of your hospital gown on the way back to the changing area.

Also DON’T do the “CAT scan/LAB reports it’s all about animals” gag – they’ve heard it and won’t be in a good mood after the chinese burn and the fact you’ve freaked out their receptionist.

Lastly ladies, no matter how tempting it is not to put your bra back on DO.  Thus ensuring you won’t have to run for the bus once you leave hospital.  Apparently. *cough*