Well I’ve been a bit quiet and I’ve started this one a few times. What do I say today that won’t gross you out or worry you Constant Reader?
So the good news is we’re on the final stretch. Chemo pump will be out over next couple of days as it’s all gone in and I can assure you is doing its thing. If all goes to schedule last radiotherapy blast is next Monday, 9th May.
The not so good news is that this week is being and will continue to be a BASTARD! I’ve obviously got in the wrong queue – this hurts too much, makes me feel too sick, too weary. I’m not like those brave cancer people you see beaming in charity adverts. I’m the miserable one curled up trying not to move because my lower body is burning and my upper body appears to be on a very stormy sea. I miss my friends and family but I haven’t got the energy to talk to them. I’ve gone into a primal state of just wanting silence; I sleep alot because then it stops…. and it’ll get worse this week. This would be the bit in a series of 24 where I’m sitting in the car crying and thumping the steering wheel.
I’ve been thinking about people saying I’m brave. Erm, not really. I’ve always said that it doesn’t matter if I did this wearing a pink tutu or listening to Leonard Cohen so I chose to be positive and smiley throughout just because it seemed easier (and I HATE Leonard Cohen). This situation doesn’t require bravery I’ve come to realise. I don’t have a choice. Do I feel brave, positive or smiley hobbling into the Cancer Treatment Centre every day now that my skin is so damaged? Nope. More like resigned. I’m just counting the days. They mentioned giving me a break from it if it gets much worse. No they bloody won’t. Call that bravery, stupidity or bull headedness but I am having my last five treatments on schedule if I have to work the machinery myself (and after 25 sessions I’m pretty sure I could). I’m OWED 9th May 2011. I’ve played nicely and been polite but …. Jack alert … DAMMIT I’m having my 9th May 2011. That date is what I’m focussed on; written large on my calendar. The day it’ll start to stop at least.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here. x
I too have never really understood that ‘being brave’ label. You do whatever you have to do. You didn’t choose to be given this. You don’t have a huge number of choices now you have it. So the choices you can make are the ones that are right for you, right for you now.
Just seven more days til the eve of 9 May. Good luck. Some people think you’re supposed to say ‘break a leg’ instead of ‘good luck’. I won’t say that. You’ve got enough to deal with.
Brave schmave – I don’t feel brave at all. And I too hate Leonard Cohen – though to be fair, some lovely cover versions of his work exist. Somewhere. Sometime. Pah. Thanks for sharing Debs, you may not be brave, but you’re my heroine xx